If you need a life coach, YOU’RE A WEAK-ASS BITCH!

Self-help bullshit is in every place I look now.

Everyone I listen to or see is fucking weak, and I don't mean gym weak here; I mean just weak all around!

I have never once called myself a “LIFE COACH”.

I cannot stand that term, because what makes someone get to a point where they've reached the peak of personal success?

LIFE COACHES are really just counselors and psychologists who lack a degree. They're people who make up this stupid shit and manipulate others to think that their lives are really worse than they probably are.

I cannot get over how many morons nowadays are calling themselves a “life coach.” Do you want to know what many life coaches DO NOT HAVE? IT'S CALLED RESPONSIBILITIES!

Sure, anyone without a demanding job, kids, and a mortgage can get to the gym at the crack of dawn. Anyone without real responsibilities can go pay for themselves to go out to eat. You actually call that stuff challenging?

“Just pay for me?”

Shit, I wouldn't even blink at that!

Why in the fuck would someone who is in a position that their “life coach” has never been in, even listen to them in the first place?

IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE WEAK!

AND AROUND AND AROUND IN CIRCLES WE GO!

Everything I see is all the same stupid shit.

People want you to think that your life is fucked up and the advice that life coaches give is some dumbass shit they probably learned in elementary school.

  1. Put 1 foot in front of the other
  2. Write down your goals
  3. Look in the mirror once a day and tell yourself that you're beautiful
  4. Be beautiful on the inside, don't worry about what they think about your state of disgusting obesity.
  5. Set your alarm clock and actually get out of bed

And around and around we go, don't we? How about this for some advice…

QUIT BEING A FUCKING BITCH WHO ALWAYS THINKS THEY NEED HELP RATHER THAN ACTUALLY DOING SHIT IN LIFE!

Are you that fucking stupid that you need to write down shit on a little piece of paper and remind yourself to set an alarm clock?

Other than a workout log or a journal, there shouldn't be a God damn THING YOU NEED TO WRITE DOWN, IN ORDER TO ACTUALLY GET IT!

If you need to write goals down on paper to remind yourself that they're your goals then guess what? YOU DON'T WANT IT THAT BAD!

Real goals are things you just know and actions that you take to get them.

It's pretty fucking simple here; if you want it you'll do it and if you don't know how to do it, you'll find a way! If you don't want something bad enough, you won't do it.

It's really that simple and there are no gray areas here; it's DO OR DO NOT.

When I first began working out, I didn't know what exercises to do for which muscle groups. Other than pushups for my chest and situps for my abs, I just didn't know what worked what muscle group.

But I still worked out hardly anything about it, because building my body was something that I wanted to do. I didn't need a reminder about it and I didn't need to write it down, the goal was burned into my brain on the daily!

This is with anything in life isn't it? If you're broke, there are two choices; go make more money and not be broke or be comfortable with being broke and continue bitching to everyone about how you need help!

DO WE REALLY NEED MORE GOFUNDME PAGES FOR LAZY FUCKS?

HELP JOHN DOE GET A PIZZA, SEND YOUR DONATION TO GO-FUND-MY-BITCHASS.

“Hey guys, I know this guy who is just really going through a tough time right now and all he wants is a pizza. If you could send whatever you can to help this poor guy out I'm sure he would really appreciate it!”

That is the type of shit I'm starting to see now! Donations for lazy fucks who should have been prepared for something called LIFE!

Life happens, shit happens, and you can either pull yourself together or continue TREATING YOURSELF LIKE THE BITCH THAT YOU ARE AND LOOKING FOR A “LIFE COACH.”

Can people not do anything on their own anymore? It's called GET THE FUCK UP!

Are we as a society really this fucking stupid now?

Yea asshole, when you sit on your computer talking to people till 2am every night and have to be up for work at 6am, the mornings might be a little rough for you. Go get a life coach to figure that shit out dumb fuck!

You don't need anything but self accountability. Self accountability is the ability to look in the mirror and stop lying to yourself.

It's the ability to tell yourself “I'M A DISGUSTING DEGENERATE AND I AM NOT BEAUTIFUL.

I'M A POSTER CHILD FOR LAZINESS.

LITTLE CEASAR'S PIZZA AND BREADSTICKS FUCKED ME HARD…. WITH NO LUBE!”

But nah, what does everyone want to do now? They want to lie to themselves and continue seeking out a fucking life coach or mentor!

How many more fat bitches do I need to see sticking their asses out trying to tell the world, “I'M BEAUTIFUL AND HAPPY! I LOVE MY CURVES! ”

No you don't bitch, you're only lying to yourself. But getting up is hard isn't it? It's easier to just keep eating pizza and telling the world you're beautiful!

OH GLORIOUS LIFE COACH, ALMIGHTY ONE, SHOW ME THE WAY TO BE SUCCESSFUL AND FINANCE A NEW HONDA ACCORD! PLEASE LIFE COACH….HELP ME!

IF I WAS SEEKING A NO-BULLSHIT LIFE COACH, THIS IS WHAT I'D LOOK FOR

  1. I want to start getting my dick sucked by smoking hot women, WHO IS SUCKING YOU OFF? LET ME SEE THEM!
  2. I want to be able to get in great shape while putting in 13 hour workdays, what is a good workout for a guy like myself until I can change career paths? What type of jobs have you had before where you've worked long hours and how did you get through it? What changed with the workouts? Did you still have a social life?
  3. Show me your bank account if you're so successful. You're not a broke life coach are you?

Actually, forget I wrote what you just read, because I wouldn't be seeking a bullshit life-coach to begin with!

Everything is exactly the way people want you to see it, it's smoke and mirrors!

How many people are going to post a photo on social media of dog-shit on the living room carpet? That's right, NOBODY.

People wouldn't want you to know that the rug had shit on it before! How many people are trying to housebreak a pet right now?

It's not that I'm saying people cannot have influences in life and people to look up to, I'm just saying I fucking hate the term LIFE COACH.

The word just sounds like some tour guide who needs to walk with Helen Keller and make sure she doesn't get fucked up! It doesn't sound empowering to me, it sounds weak.

EMPOWERMENT IS THE ONLY WAY

I'm not talking about being a dickhead to people and shoving them around here; I'm speaking in terms of empowering yourself to become stronger! That is the only way that you're going to break through to new levels and better your position in life!

Being uncomfortable is what it takes; stepping to the plate and swinging when you know you may miss the ball. That is what it takes to be successful in this world and I don't need to say much more about it. It's DO OR DON'T DO.

The other day I took my son to the car-wash with me to show him how to wax a car. He's trying to save his money for a lawnmower right now so he can make more money with the lawnmower.

You see, I'm a fucking realist and I tell my son EVERYTHING PEOPLE NEVER TOLD ME THAT I WISHED THEY HAD!

We drove past a guy holding up a sign for a store one day, and I said to him ,”Do you want to be like that guy? Standing out in the fucking cold weather twirling a sign around like some douchebag for $8 an hour?

You can probably make $30-$40 an hour with that lawnmower ya' know.”

My method on parenting is to instill empowerment in my child. FUCK WORKING FOR MINIMUM WAGE JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT OTHER KIDS DO!

Nah, see I'm not teaching him that shit, I'm showing him that he can make a few hundred dollars a week at 9 years old right now and to hell with accepting a shit sandwich and wasting his time!

So back to empowerment here; he needed to learn how to properly wax a car and he also has other jobs to do in order to save money for the lawncare business.

He learned to wax a car quickly and learned that it takes a little force to wipe the wax off. After that we drove home.

On the way home I pulled into an empty mall parking lot and I let him drive around the parking lot.

He didn't sit on my lap, he didn't just steer, I actually got out of the drivers seat, adjusted it and let him get in and drive at 9 years old.

After he drove around for a little bit I said to him ,”Ok, now drive us home.” He looked at me like I was crazy.

I said to him ,”I'm dead serious right now, DRIVE ME HOME.”

He hesitated a few times, saying to me ,”I don't think I can do this.” I said to him ,”Yes you can, drive me home.”

So my 9 year old son proceeded to drive my SUV from the mall to my house (it wasn't that far, but still far enough it was TAKING A HUGE RISK).

Needless to say, I'm here and alive and he succeeded. After he pulled into the driveway I got down eye level with him and I said to him ,”You were nervous and you were scared, but you just did it and you succeeded.

That's life buddy; that is women, that is a job, and that is success. You just step to the plate and swing!”

Now, call me a shitty parent for letting a 9 year old drive a vehicle, but that is a REAL LIFE LESSON HE WON'T FORGET!

Was I trying to be a LIFE COACH? Not really, I was trying to be a father preparing his son for fucking war! But the point to that story was he's empowered now!

I have done enough and shown him enough that he has his own empowerment and confidence. I didn't need to hire someone to show him that.

How many of us adults cannot figure stupid shit out in life? If you're a druggie or a drinker then you don't feel confident or empowered, SO THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO START DOING SIMPLE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL POWERFUL AGAIN!

IF YOU'VE NEVER FELT POWERFUL THEN START DOING THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL POWERFUL!

It's that fucking simple, there is no reason to hire a LIFE COACH, hahaha. Hiring a trainer is one thing, but hiring a life coach for answers to stupid shit you should be smart enough to figure out is another.

I mean come on, do I really need a life coach to remind me to “Do unto others” or “I can't climb the ladder of success with my hands in my pockets”? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!

You have to do things that make you feel strong, even if they're simple and small things by most people's standards.

That is the only way to improve; it's not more medication, it's not some hidden holy grail of life's secrets, and it's not writing down “everything in life you've ever wanted.”

ALL OF THAT SHIT IS FOR SUCKERS!

The only way I knew how to feel empowered was through working out. Once I began working out then it helped other areas of my life as well. It made me feel really good to build something and focus on that project daily!

Maybe there are other ways for many people to feel empowered, fortunately I found bodybuilding and it helped me accomplish more than I probably would have without it!

AND I DIDN'T HIRE A LIFE COACH!

Nor am I in a place in life where I would have the fucking audacity to even call myself that!

FUCK A LIFE COACH, PUSH YOURSELF BACK UP! -JD

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19 thoughts on “If you need a life coach, YOU’RE A WEAK-ASS BITCH!”

  1. Yes people are weak.. That’s why they turn to organized religion (not talking about spirituality), No different than a life coach. Sorry that’s the truth. But, that being said some people just need someone to tell them how to live. They can’t control their impulses and it makes their life a mess.. If someone needs religion (preacher is your life coach) or a life coach to help them control their impulses and live a better life i’m all for it but it isn’t for me.

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  2. Didn’t start reading yet, but I must say this right now. That is the greatest title to anything ever. I thought I had no filter and didn’t give an F if I hurt people’s feelings with truth, but you sir, are the King of ZFG.

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  3. It’s so true ,so I guess it’s not meant to be funny , but I think it’s fucking hilarious and written so beautifully, like only a champion could write it, straight in your fuckin face ….
    Unfortunately the people who really need to find a set of balls probably don’t read these great articles by JD… keep em coming mate they rock…

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  4. Why do you parallel what I have been thinking lately? I have a relative that used to go to the gym and is envious as to my recent accomplishments, but he won’t get off the couch or out of his sister’s basement because he has PTSD and plantar fasciitis. “What military branch did you serve in and what war did you fight in? None? How many people have you had to scrape off the road like our law officers and firemen? None?.
    Ok.” I’m not knocking PTSD as there are real heroes out there that have it and have gone through and seen a bunch of crap that would scar the most jaded, but seriously dude, you live in your sister’s basement and you haven’t done jack in life. He was just asking on social media how to fix his foot as he took a nice selfie of it wrapped up. He didn’t like my answer, “Get up off your back side and start doing calf raises. It took care of my foot issues.” Yeah it hurts, waaah.

    I was going to ask you “Do you start push-ups before the lifts or after?” in regards to Shredded Ops, and the distant reply came on the wind that sounded mysteriously like John Doe… “Does it @$#@ing matter? Just start them and be consistent and push yourself to improve, I can’t hold your hand you pussy”

    And you are being an excellent father as your first responsibility is to teach that boy how to be self reliant and make something of himself, whatever that may be. Be a friend later… Most men these days fail at that and that’s why there are so many pussies out there.

    Thanks for keeping it real.

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    • I have respect for soldiers, but some of them use it as a crutch in life and ppl are beginning to use the military like the fucking welfare system! “Retired military” to many folks means a check every month and the luxury of sitting on their asses. Ppl who saw no combat, ppl who signed up for it, and ppl who know when they sign up they’re going to try to go out in a few years and get that tax-free check and health care area large population of what is going into the military now. Law officers and fireman aren’t scraping ppl up off the pavement on a regular basis. AS far as “military, police, fire discounts” at all of these stores, it’s fucking bullshit. How am I going to help you as a soldier in Lowe’s hardware store? Are you going to ever use me to come in with a gun and handle something? A working class citizen is a working class citizen….PERIOD! The ppl in these jobs that glamorize them and don’t STFU abt it have nothing going on outside of that, nor have achieved anything else. Usually that is the case -JD

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  5. You are spot on about “life coaches.” Complete BS

    What stood out to me the most was having your 9 year old drive. Your son will probably be one of the few in his generation that still gets his license at 16. Kids now are afraid to drive and do adult things because their parents over protect them from danger. You on the other hand introduce danger into your son’s life and he will be much better off than his peers. I’m going to remember that for if/when I have kids.

    Thank you for being one of the few that writes about real life shit.

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  6. Great post John. And that’s an awesome experience to share with your son.

    My mom first let me drive her car when I was 9 years old. Once a week we went out into the mountains in central pennsylania and would drive thru the state park and try to spot wildlife. One day after drinking some fresh water from the creek my mom told me to take the wheel. My instinct was to say yes but I said that i’m not big enough to drive. She told me to put my hands on the wheel and go. Granted i only drove about 5 miles per hour and there were no other cars on the gravel mountain roads but that was one good time. I still remember it 20 years later.

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    • thanks for sharing. It’s a good thing to do this because if there were ever an emergency your child may be able to help out! -JD

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