Disclaimer: If you are squeamish or easily offended and overly sensitive, please do not read this article!
This article is based on a real life event that took place in my life about 4 years ago. It started off as a minor problem, and it eventually turned into a fucking nightmare!
The year was 2016, and I had been wiping blood from my ass for over a year straight. Now, this was bright red blood and it was usually just on the toilet paper and not in the toilet bowl. But it would soon be expected that anytime I had to shit, there was going to be bright red blood on the toilet paper.
I began researching hemorrhoids online. Now, there wasn't any external hemorrhoid's on me so I figured they had to be internal ones. The good news was that darker colored blood was a larger warning sign of something major, bright red blood was usually a hemorrhoid issue.
This problem would soon become a pain in the ass to deal with and sometimes I was even pissed off that there was only blood on the toilet paper and not in the bowl. Sometimes it would be like, “WHAT THE FUCK! IF YOU'RE GONNA BLEED THEN AT LEAST BLEED FOR REAL ONCE IN AWHILE!”
So after a couple months of this bullshit I realized it wasn't about to just go away. Hemorrhoid's really suck because showing someone your asshole isn't really something that comes natural for most people. I didn't feel like showing anyone my asshole and I really just wanted my problem to go away.
This persisted on long enough that I had to adjust the way I trained around this fucking issue! There were rarely any larger lifts anymore such as a squat, bent over row, or bench press. The larger lifts that made me strain more only seemed to make my little problem worse.
This issue continued on for awhile and it really began pissing me off! Finally, after realizing this problem was never going to go away, I went and sought treatment.
THE “CAMPFIRE IN THE ASSHOLE” TREATMENT
So the first thing I tried to have done was laser coagulation. This is where an evil nurse practitioner rams a plastic cone up your ass to have a look inside, then shoots the hemorrhoids with a shot of ass numbing medication, then takes some sort of laser and burns your asshole with it!
I guess the purpose of this procedure is to coagulate the hemorrhoids at the base so they stop getting blood flow and eventually die and fall out of your asshole.
I think the nurse I had seriously hated men because she acted like someone who had been raped before, and was now using her position to ram men up the ass with the anal cone as if to say, “NOW IT'S YOUR TURN BITCH! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU LIKE IT YOU JUICEHEAD, RAPIST MOTHERFUCKER!”
I swear she pushed that cone in an extra couple of times she didn't have to and honestly the plastic anal cone was the most unpleasing part of the experience.
After the cone goes up your ass it begins to feel like someone is starting a small campfire in your asshole. Don't worry, this isn't like a raging inferno or a bonfire or anything, just a small little burn in your asshole to keep the shit-elf warm!
Now, the campfire in the asshole treatment is something that can be done on someone's lunch break or something. This procedure is quick and the only lasting aftermath is just a feeling of being violated with an anal cone that is probably equivalent to the size of an ice cream cone.
If you are dealing with just a couple hemorrhoids, especially if they're just external ones, I would suggest the campfire in the asshole treatment.
Now, sometimes the campfire in the asshole treatment needs to be done a few times to work. Well, I made it to treatment #2 and tried again, but this procedure wouldn't work for me!
The procedure is supposed to be effective for every 7 out of 10 people with hemorrhoid issues. Guess who the fuck was in the category of the other 3 people? You guessed it… ME!
I WENT TO THE PROCTOLOGIST AND GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS SHIT!
After a couple failed attempts at bleeding ass-wart coagulation, I decided it was time to get to the bottom of this shit (no pun intended). I had found a female Asian proctologist and immediately I was somehow more comfortable with the idea of an Asian female messing around with my ass.
Personally, I have a thing for Asian women and they just seem so much more caring and giving. I already began to play out the doctor visit in my head…
I imagined her trying to be as gentle as possible and talking to me throughout the process of hemorrhoid inspection.
“Ahhhh yea, ummm I see WILLY WARGE HEMMWOID, I KNOW MUST HURT IN YOU! HOW I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER TODAY?”
But seriously, I did feel more comfortable with the thought of the Asian proctologist. And for some reason, her anal cone didn't hurt as much as the “I was raped by a meathead, fuck all men to hell” Caucasian nurse who had lasered me up a few weeks prior.
I occasionally would think to myself, “Maybe this is just my new life now?”
You know, just having issues that required ramming cameras and cones up my ass on a routine fucking basis from here on out! Was that just the part of aging that was some deep, dark secret?
I DID NOT KNOW!
Maybe it was all just one big joke? Maybe Doctors were fingering guys in the ass telling them it was a prostate check, when in reality it was just some sort of running joke in the medical field.
Maybe there was some big Doctors convention once a year down in Atlanta, and behind closed doors there was this secret meeting where Doctors would swap stories about fingering guys in the ass?
So Doctor Bill, tell us all about an exam that really stood out in your mind within the past year.
“Well George, there was this one guy….I bent him over the table and told him that our new protocol required 3 fingers! He started squirming around and I just sort of held him down with my other hand like something out of that video game all our kids play, what is the name of that damn game? (as he takes a drag off his tobacco pipe)
Ah yes, yes… why how could I forget?… MORTAL KOMBAT!
I held him down like I was a real life Mortal Kombat character and viciously fingered his ass with 4 fingers after I told him just 3 of them per new protocol…you know, just to fuck with his head a little bit gentleman.
Then the best part was when I removed my lubed up gloves and tossed them in the trash in front of him and he looked down and saw 4 of the gloved fingers covered in shit, and I handed him the paper towels and said to him, “NOW CLEAN YOURSELF!”
Then I just walked out and slammed the door. Oh what a laugh I had after that one!”
Thank you so much for sharing that story with us all Doctor Bill, this convention just wouldn't be the same without you Sir!
(Then the winner of the proctology exam stories gets some sort of giant fucking trophy)
Maybe it actually was, just all one big sick joke! I wondered this to myself as I waited on the Asian Doctors findings.
YOU HAVE HEMMWOIDS… NOT STERWOIDS! I SAY HEMMWOIDS, I MUST OPERWATE!
So I was told that I probably needed surgery to fix my asshole. The doctor had suggested that down the road if I could get a couple weeks off then I should sign up for hemorrhoid surgery.
I replied, “It's done, I'm off for 2 weeks, where do I sign up?”
After that, I drove home to share the exciting news of my upcoming asshole operation as we sat down to eat dinner.
Luckily, the surgery was scheduled really quick after that visit to the proctologist and I couldn't have been more thrilled!
But before the surgery I would need a camera shoved up my ass, so they would know exactly what kind of shit they would be dealing with!
I thought to myself, “Whatever, just fucking rape me at this point, I'm so sick of being violated lately.”
Now, I think the most fun part about this entire process was the 24 hour fast that was required before getting the camera up your ass.
Also, the $50 packet of “SHIT YOUR SOUL OUT” prep drink the night before was a blast!
Yea, for those who haven't had the camera up the ass yet in life, it requires a 24 hour fast and then you drink a drink that makes you shit out your soul.
You will shit, and shit…
until the only thing left to push out is air, and then your soul!
Now, the reaction time of the SHIT YOUR SOUL OUT prep drink is probably different for everybody.
For me? A slight delay in reaction…
then it was an atom bomb, with a thunderous echo so loud I'm surprised it didn't shatter the fucking toilet bowl!
All I could do at this point was laugh. As I continued to shit out remnants, I just started laughing louder and louder.
My wife had come to the door and asked me if everything was okay, and although I tried my best to answer seriously, it was severely interrupted by the thunderous clashes of shit and laughter.
I replied through the door, “I CA… I CAN… I CAN'T FUCKING STOOOOOP!” (as shit pellets hit the toilet water like bullets hitting the ship-deck of a destroyer during the attack on Pearl Harbor)
Now, the next day I was driven to the anal camera doctor, hungry and miserable!
One thing I must admit here, was the fear I had about what I was going to come out of my rape coma talking about in front of my wife.
You see, the medication they inject into your vein that knocks you out for your inspection, is the type of drug that many people come out of talking out of their fucking heads.
What would I say in front of my wife? This was the part of the procedure that I honestly feared the most! I tried like hell to get anyone else to take me there, but she had insisted on being present for the big camera rape.
Now, I think the drug they gave me was Propofol. This is the same drug that musical artist Michael Jackson had become hooked on to go to sleep every night, and I can totally see why!
This drug had knocked me out for about an hour, and when I awoke I felt like I had slept 10 hours! (Michael Jackson did not wake up, the Doctor isn't supposed to wander off to go make a fucking sandwich as he is administering the drug)
The doctor had told me that I had internal hemorrhoids, big surprise right?
Let me just share this much with you guys who are getting ready to have the camera up the ass. It's really not that bad, it's great sleep and there is no pain at all! The hardest part about this entire procedure is the 24 hour fasting the day prior and shitting your soul out the night before.
So all was completed and I was ready for hemorrhoid surgery, AKA…
A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF FUCKING PAIN!
Now, if you're hurting on the insides so far from reading this, you may just want to discontinue reading my story.
Hemorrhoid surgery is without a doubt, the worst fucking pain I've ever experienced in my entire life! And let me tell you, my tolerance for pain is extremely high.
But this my friends, is a whole new world of pain!
I woke up that morning anxious to get my problem fixed. I wasn't nervous at all, I'm sort of at that point in life where I just go through shit and whatever happens…well it just happens.
Whatever sacrifice is necessary to continue with bodybuilding is just what needs to be done in order to live the lifestyle I enjoy.
So after going to the pre-admission area I was then wheeled into the surgery room for the big project to go down.
Again, I was given the Michael Jackson drug and then some sort of partial paralyzing drug that helps remove feeling from the waist down.
Now, I remembered what point the giant syringe was at when I was knocked out before getting the camera up my ass, so as one of the hospital workers began pushing the milky white substance down the syringe and into the vein in my hand, right when it got to the point I knew I would go out I said to him, “Nighty night!”
The last thing I remembered hearing was him saying back to me, “Yep, nighty night my friend.”
When I awoke I was in a recovery room. I had thought to myself, “That wasn't that bad at all, I feel fine so far!”
I woke up and said, “I'm good, let's get out of here.”
The nurse had told me to take it easy and stop moving around so quickly. I walked over to change my clothes and put my own shoes on, because I simply don't like feeling helpless or being over dramatic when I can still move myself around.
The nurse then told my wife, “He is going to be in a lot of pain here really soon.”
I looked back at the nurse, still feeling high on drugs, and said to her, “Nah, I'm perfectly fine see?”
And I began doing some jumping jacks in the recovery room to prove to her that I was okay.
When I got back home and the drugs began to wear off, I soon realized that I WAS FAR FROM OK!
I WAS NOT OK, I WAS ENTERING A WORLD OF PAIN
The best way to describe the pain that soon set in, was a feeling as though I was just fisted by Edward Scissorhands.
My insides were throbbing like someone just tore through my asshole and into my guts with a cheese grader.
I could have walked down into the projects, bent over and let 100 drunk gang bangers run a train on me, and probably have been in less pain than what I was experiencing at that point! It was fucking horrific!
As far as being able to take a shit at that point? Yea right, let me tell you I couldn't even take a piss yet! My insides were that swollen and fucked up that even taking a piss seemed next to impossible.
The only way I could even take a piss, was to get in a hot shower and get the water as hot as I could stand it, and then let it hit my chest as I pushed into my bladder with a fist to get my piss stream started in the shower. It was downright miserable.
When the time came to attempt to take a shit, I was pretty frightened at what the outcome would be.
I sat on that toilet and pushed…
and pushed more…
until after about 45 minutes of sweating bullets, shit had somehow surpassed what felt like a locked iron gate.
I looked down in the toilet and there were about 3 pebbles that probably weren't even equal to the size of rabbit shit!
I thought to myself, “Oh hell no, all that work and sweat for those 3 pebbles? 3 fucking pebbles!”
Shitting would prove to be an absolute nightmare over the course of the following 10 days or so. It was brutal!
That night the pain became even worse. A pain so intense that all you can do is lay there and shake and moan.
I tried to lay down that night to go to sleep, but it was impossible with the level of pain that I was in. So I did what any reasonable bodybuilder that just had hemorrhoid surgery would do at that point…
I sat on my front porch and chain smoked a pack of Marlboro's.
Yep, the whole world was asleep and there I was chain smoking cigarettes at 4 am with a bored out asshole, shaking in pain.
Now, when they perform surgery on you they script out pain medication, but they warn you that the pain medication can make you constipated as well.
“CONSTIPATED? WHAT IN THE FUCK? SO IF I TAKE THESE PILLS FOR PAIN THINGS ARE GONNA GET EVEN WORSE THAN SWEATING BULLETS FOR AN HOUR TO SHIT OUT JUST 3 PELLETS?”
That night I had experienced 2 things in my life…
The worst pain of my life and feeling like the Marlboro man on my front porch!
I quickly learned that the only relief that I was going to get for about the next 10 days was to live like a fucking amphibian in a hot bathtub.
Taking a bath can really feel like a hit to your manhood in itself, let alone laying in a hot tub like a recovering rape victim.
I kid you not, we are talking like 12 hot baths a day to attempt to get any relief from the pain.
Nobody else in the family could get a hot shower for about the next week because the hot water was always gone!
Now, I will tell you that the initial week following hemorrhoid surgery was one of the worst experiences of my life, but after that things quickly recover.
The second week of recovery you'll probably still be out of work, but not because of pain, it's more for digestion issues. You just never know when you'll need to shit or piss and half the time it's still not normal!
The next phase you enter after the amphibian phase is the what I like to call “The itchy asshole phase.”
Yea, this is where your wounds are beginning to heal faster and in turn it leaves you with an itchy asshole. Enough said.
The final phase is really disgusting, but I want anyone who needs the surgery to know exactly what they're getting into.
The final phase is what I like to call “The asshole slime phase.” Come on, you've made it this far so stay with me here! Don't stop reading just yet!
In the asshole slime phase, you will have this nasty smelling gunk that seeps out of your ass and destroys your boxers. It's the healing juices that form from the damage that was done to your insides about 2 weeks prior from surgery.
Yes, it's very disgusting and it sort of looks like a family of slugs crawled across your underwear. If you're anything like me, you will secretly discard your underwear and NEVER LET YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER SEE THIS!
I'm telling you, just throw your underwear away or burn them, because you will seriously risk not getting your dick sucked for a very long time! You wanna give someone blowjob PTSD?
EXACTLY, SO THROW EM' OUT!
WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY IN THE PAST?
Is there anything in my past that I would have done differently to possibly avoid having this God awful experience? Absolutely!
For starters, I would not have squatted and deadlifted to the point of failure so often. No, I'm not even talking a 1 rep max here, I'm strictly talking about not straining myself so often on a regular basis to the point of absolute failure on these sort of lifts!
Not to mention, the squat and deadlift (especially the deadlift) tax the nervous system so bad they can constantly put you in a state of recovery that takes several days.
But to put it simple, you strain the shit out of yourself on these lifts. Especially when you take them to failure regularly. It's too much! I would have limited how often I went to total, all out failure and kept it more infrequent.
Next, I would have made it a point to drink more water and eat more fiber! I was never a huge fan of vegetables and although I drank plenty of water, there were probably times when I fell short on my water intake.
When you're eating a lot of protein it's important to take in enough fiber to help your digestion. Also, a probiotic wouldn't be a bad idea to begin taking with meals as well.
When you eat more than the average person, strain more than the average person, and put these extreme demands on your body, you have to address all areas of training… and that includes your nutrition too!
Last but certainly not least, when a problem doesn't go away for awhile, you need to seek treatment a lot quicker than waiting a year for the post digestion bleeding to stop. Stop kidding yourself and just deal with it and get over the issue as soon as possible!
While the surgery (particularly the surgery recovery) was pretty awful, I haven't had a single issue with hemorrhoids since! I can now train without any issues or worry.
The pain of not being able to train as efficiently and intensely as I would like to train, is a far greater pain than sucking it up for a couple of weeks and fixing a problem!
Todays pain will become tomorrows strength, and this was without a doubt the worst pain I've ever physically experienced!
But if you've ever had a problem such as what I'm describing in this article, and you're afraid to go through this procedure, I will leave you on this note;
As you sit on your porch and chain smoke that night,
As you lay in your hot tub like a fucking amphibian in pain,
As you drip sweat down your face trying to use the bathroom,
Just know that trying to transform yourself into a real life comic book character doesn't come without a price!
I'm willing to bet that if you've made it far enough to need this type of surgery from lifting weights, then you're strong enough to get through these types of hang-ups and keep on moving forward!
As much pain as I was in after that surgery, there was still that part of me that had thought about how it was going to be when I stopped hurting, began healing, and returned to my assault on bodybuilding!
PAIN IS PART OF THE PROCESS, AND THE DEGREE OF PAIN ISN'T ALWAYS NEGOTIABLE!
OK, WHO IS READY FOR SURGERY?
TRAIN HARD! -JD